I am struggling today. 

I feel emotionally drawn, like butter spread too thin over bread. Whether the blame lies with the medication, or the heaviness of this entire process I’m not sure. 

The limit to my exercise at the moment is a moderate walking or a swim. I’m struggling with this, more than I anticipated. I relish the clarity I gain from a tough workout, I find mindfulness through sweat. 

I’ve been sick. Waves of nausea have washed over me all week, I’ve been unable to keep down a lot of my meals and I’ve been very tired. In 2 days we collect new meds, and I’m feeling nervous when I think about how my body will respond to these. 

I’m also finding it hard to talk to people about how I’m feeling, I don’t find opening up to people an easy process generally. Will talking to friends about how sick I’ve been, make the sickness any easier to handle? I don’t think it will..

The fear of failure weighs on on me.. after 3 and a half years of defeat, positive thinking is a hard beast to yield too. 


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